I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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