Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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