Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Alive.
So much puke
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
