If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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