Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
