She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize