Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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