She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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