Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize