So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
