Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
