worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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