I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I need to align my fucking chakras
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
