He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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