I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
