two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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