I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I FOUND THE LEGS
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
