I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Be still, my beating vagina.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
A bitchslap is in order.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize