Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
