In the future we'll all be gay
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
