Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
