I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Even my vagina gasped.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
