How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
