i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
