dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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