You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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