Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
