I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
