I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
