just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i need some magic done to my vagina
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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