So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I did not marry a roomba.
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