Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize