yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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