Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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