i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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