I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
