Your tits are I can't wait for
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
