why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize