I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize