Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Someone signed my nipple.
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