i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
