oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
