If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
