apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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