sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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