Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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