Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
