In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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