Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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