hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
