Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
