Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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