it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
