Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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