you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
BRING THE BAGELS
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
