My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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