I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
this boner is exhausting
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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