Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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