He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
