Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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