someone get that fucking seahorse.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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