I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
