After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
